Homophobia

When this crime first began, I was shocked by the number of people who were attracted to it. Most were individuals who simply needed someone to look down on or someone to invest with their own particular loathing. As I have said previously, as a stranger, I am simply an empty vessel. Their imagination is supplying the details. For people like this, any lie that allows them to gratify their own particular emotional needs will suffice. Many clearly took delight in having someone to feel superior to. Others, showing disgust or loathing were clearly being emotionally gratified in other ways. I have often wondered about the emotional deficits so evident in their behavior. However, their particular pathologies were so apparent I merely noted it. I was not confused by it( I know I promised to be less judgmental, but these people are truly grotesque. I loathe them and they are very dangerous to any person of good will. I know there were individuals who were seduced by this campaign and do feel remorse for the damage they have done to me. I will address that subject in a later post.)
However, one subgroup, principally male, truly mystified me. The mere sight of me provoked rage. Their faces became distorted and their bodies tensed as their hands unconsciously formed fists. Clearly they were intensely, viscerally involved. I would find myself wondering, "What could they think? What do they imagine? Why does it matter so much?" I know I sound terrible naive, but I had never experienced homophobia. I realized that gays were victims of hate crimes, but it was an abstract knowledge that as much as I deplored it, never intruded on my life. I have generally been comfortable with homosexuals. I have had many as friends and in my younger years attended many social events that were predominantly gay without giving it a second thought. Over the years I have had to confront and come to terms with various forms of prejudice, but for whatever reasons I have never harbored any prejudicial feelings towards homosexuals. My thoughts about gays never went much beyond, "Good. That leaves more women for me."
I just couldn't get my mind around these profoundly hate-filled men. I had absorbed the cliche that homophobes were mostly latent homosexuals without having actually thought about it. It wasn't until someone told me simply to think it through that I began to understand it. Actually, I almost became sympathetic when I realized how much pain these individuals must experience. They are literally at war with their own sexuality. I thought about my own early sexual longings and the confusion they generated. It was exciting, but often the intensity was almost paralyzing. I remember the first time I danced "close" with a girl. I couldn't breath. I couldn't talk. I knew from that moment that life would never be the same. I quickly became obsessed with my sexual desires and with finding on outlet for them. As confusing as this period was, I was spared one conflict. I had the "right" sexual longings, ie heterosexual. It must be a particular kind of hell to begin to experience sexual feelings and to be told that your desires are "disgusting, abnormal, unmanly, against God's will", etc... I can certainly understand the impulse to deny or unconsciously repress these desires. Their mere existence can seem life threatening or triggering such an identify crises that death may seem preferable. The existence of these feelings would certainly become hateful, triggering rage whenever they were encountered.
I hope it is clear that when I discuss homophobia, I am not including mild prejudice or certainly not religious belief that precludes acceptance of homosexuality. I am restricting my comments only to those that manifest a deep-seated loathing or hatred.
The belief system of this society has changed dramatically over the past twenty years. Certainly the broad acceptance of "alternative" life styles is a development that most of us can only applaud. We are all better for it. Certainly some "conflicted" individuals will find it far easier to deal with homosexual feelings when they occur and, consequently, become better people for it. Additionally, if my experience contains any lessons, heterosexuals can be as severely damaged by homophobia as any homosexual when homosexuality is in the eye of the beholder.

For Those Who Feel Guilt

I know that many, who participated in this crime, feel guilt or ,even, shame for the damage they have done to me. I do understand. I have tried over the years to put myself in your position, imagining how I would feel, if I had been conned into inadvertently hurting another human being-particularly one who is essentially defenseless.
I have spent a lifetime trying my best to live a moral life. I am constantly confronted with my own failures. We learn to live a righteous life not through our successes, but through our failures. However, in this case, it is not enough to simply feel guilt, acknowledge your failure and move on. As long as the damaged party continues to suffer from your transgressions, more is required. You must help. After all, I am not asking for much-only the truth as you know it. Thank you.

21st Anniversary

Its been approximately 21 years since the precipitating event that was used to destroy my life. Its ironic that I don't even know the date it started. I only know that it was a Friday evening sometime in the Spring of 1985. It was event that was so unimportant to me that it passed virtually without notice, simply an amusing misadventure.

A Clarification

In the June 1993 material, I made an analogy with the Holocaust. Occasionally I encounter individuals, who insist on misinterpreting the reference, suggesting that I am engaged in grandiosity or, alternatively, in trivializing the Holocaust. Frankly, no one is that obtuse. It is clear that the parallel refers to the means, not the end, i. e. an organized campaign of hate mongering and vilification directed at a minority. In this case, I represent the ultimate minority-an individual. Fortunately, most understand the reference immediately. Some make the connection without prompting, although far too few are prepared to take full responsibility for their own participation.

Shame Based Cultures

I had a very satisfied article prepared on shame based culture. Unfortunately, I lost my hard drive and I hadn't made a back-up copy. I'll be a while

Prejudice

Occasionally I meet people who question my attitudes towards East Asians or, especially, Koreans. Ironically, I believe that some of the difficulties I have encountered are attributable to the very hospitable reception that I offered to Korean merchants, who were moving into the neighborhood. Their reputation for hard work, discipline, law-abidingness and enterprise had been reinforced by my personal experience. I was delighted to have Korean opening retail establishments in the area. My attitudes have not changed as a result of this crime. Korean merchants have made a valuable contribution to the economic health and social dynamic of this city.

Thanks To Everyone Who Has Offered Thier Support

Your encouragement means a lot to me!